It’s times like these I really miss home.

I want to sleep in my bed. Read my book. Talk to my sisters and stay up until the sun comes up. 

I want to see my mum in the morning and cook breakfast and dinner and laze around in the pool until I’m all wrinkly and pruney. Then i can have a warm shower, curl up in my bed and just be at home.

i miss home. so so much.

Breakfast - need I say it again? + small apple muffin

Lunch - wrap + small apple muffin + 1 piece of chocolate

Snack - banana 

Dinner - 13 rice crackers w/ hommus and few sips of skinny caramel latte

Gym - 620 calories

I think I”m getting kinda sick. Flu! wahh :( Might be contributing to my loss of appetite. hmm). 

Breakfast - same old + muffin. i think i’m having smaller breakfasts. 

Lunch - optifast meal replacement bar + some grapes.

Snack - a macaroon

Dinner - salad + salmon + tiramisu. was hungry after

no gym today. 

I just realised that it’s almost june and i haven’t gained a single kilo. this sucks. 

“Excuse me, Miss?”

I snapped to attention, still lost in a daze. 

“Miss? What can I get you?”

I stared blankly at the menu, and furrowed my brows. I looked up helplessly at her face. 

“I.. Uh.. a 6 inch on multigrain please.” 

It hurt to say the words. 

“and uh.. chicken fillet with avocado.. toasted.” 

By this time, I was shaking. My hands trembled as I reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I reached at my throat and clamped my mouth shut. Afraid I would say more. Want more. Crave more. Start and never stop. 

I shuffled down the line and paid for my sub. Hoping the lady at the counter wouldn’t notice my shaking hands, my awkward stance. The uncomfortable-ness all focused on the sandwhich put in front of me. 

I paid quickly and moved away, finding a place to sit in the crowded food court. I stared at my sub, opened it and ate it. 

Don’t think I’m lying when I said I ate the whole thing. After all, it’s not like I had a real.. problem. It was just a thing. You know.. a thing. A thing that started out with me losing 7 kilos in 3 months, receiving compliments after compliments, getting a boost of confidence every time I looked in the mirror, and my inability to stop. When my periods stopped, I never thought it would open up a whole new nightmare.

And now.. well now is now. 

It’s like a big. skinny. thing. It fills the air in every room I walk into. It talks to me. Tells me to keep going. To stop. To run. It controls me. my thoughts, my feelings. And as the big skinny thing gets bigger, I shrink. Until I’m in the corner of the big room, where the mirror is. Pushing everybody away and backing into the walls. Until I disappear completely, and everything is lost.

Breakfast - just right, muesli, yoghurt, skim milk

Lunch - 6 inch chicken fillet subway

Snack - 40g caramel koala, 8 deli crackers + hommus

Dinner - 1 mandarin, 1 apple. 

Exercise - jog around uni + skipping for 15 mins. 

Breakfast - same old same old.

Lunch - wrap with 2 falafels, cucumber, tomato, spinach leaves, avocado, jalapenos and barbeque and chilli sauce. + grapes + apple

Snack - banana and biscuits, mandarin

Dinner - 2 cherry tomatoes, 5 bites of vegetable broth, 8 deli crackers + 13 rice crackers w/ hommus. 2 apples. 

Gym - 630 calories. 

I feel so bad for not eating, but I feel bad for eating. it’s the worse feeling, a constant war in my head. I wonder when my body will start listening to my heart instead.

Breakfast - same old same old + muffin. 

No snack, lunch = wrap + some salad + grapes + apple + small easter egg. ( i think it all adds up.) oh and some rice crackers

Pre-gym = banana + biscuits

Dinner = 2 cherry tomatoes, some grapes, 2 florets of broccoli and some corn. half an apple, 5 rice crackers. 

woo.. Gym = 400calories + weights. 

Might need to do some cardio tomorrow to feel sane. wahh

Okay, so today wasn’t the best day. Life-wise. Nor was it the best day food-wise I guess. I don’t know. Nothing appears to be what I think they are anymore. 

A didn’t come with me to breakfast this morning. I don’t know why but it just made me really annoyed. I think I’m just annoyed period when anything has anything to do with food, the act of eating, the act of thinking about food, and the act of buying food. It just ruins my day. It really does. 

In my attempt to find a hobby or something else that I could do instead of thinking about eating or not eating, I decided to join asos.com and indulge in some fashion fetish of mine. But that just made me want to go shopping and ended up with me hitting the little ‘x’ button at the top left hand corner of the screen and going back to study. Then when I was walking back from gym today, I thought maybe when I went home, I should probably learn how to cook. I think that would be a good hobby. After all, I do plan to have kids and a family some day and they might benefit from that skill. It might even encourage me to eat more (*cue warning bells that go off in my head which are super hard to ignore*). 

Okay, so down to the real stuff. Breakfast was small ish. special k, vanilla yoghurt, sprinkle of muesli and skim milk. No fruit. No muffin. I still have a muffin I stole from the dining hall yesterday. Might think about eating it tomorrow some time. No snack. Lunch was a sandwich of odds and ends from the salad bar. Satisfying? not really. also had some salad and curried egg. I think I do miss egg. I really really really do. It might even be my body telling me that that’s what it needs exactly but I might save making poached eggs on toast for my cooking adventures in the holidays. Snack = banana and biscuits, an apple and some grapes later. Dinner was sushi! amazingly good and healthy and then I had an apple afterwards. I haven’t started the easter egg thing nor have I done the 4th meal thing. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready yet. I do think about it though. But we’ll see.

Gym = 700 cal burn. Wowza.  

Also went an bought some rice crackers and some savoury biscuits. Just to see how they go in tempting my stomach. But my personal opinion? if chocolate can’t do that, I don’t see why some tasteless biscuits can. 

Another day another tip of the scales. 

Speaking of, I’ve decided to weigh myself on sundays. Today’s weight = *drumroll* 40.5kg. woohoo. great. that’s..just..fantastic.

I think there’s something trans-enducing about the way the date is a palindrome. Must be the mathematician in me speaking. 

So I had a bit of a binge today. Breakfast was special k, muesli and yoghurt with skim milk and coffee. They didn’t have any fruit that i liked but they did have these mixed berry muffins that are delightful and so I sneaked one back to my room and indulged! An apple as a snack and then lunch was a vegemite and avocado toasted sandwhich (one of my favourites) - not very big but college is kind of like that and I thought I made up for it with that muffin! Then some grapes and a mandarin as a snack and then we went to cactus for dinner. And I had this fajita which is texas bbq sauce drizzled and sizzled with the meat of your choice (i got 1/2 and 1/2 chicken and beef) served with floured tortillas and dipping sauces. it was 

to 

die

for

I had alll the tortillas! But there’s something so comforting about warm bread-like substances. And who knows, I needed some comfort at the time. Then the birthday girl requested gelato for dessert and so I trudged over there with my massive heels on and got mint choc chip on a cone (my favourite too!). I was absolutely stuffed after that. 

Gym wise, I burnt 300 calories and did quite a bit of weights. I didn’t feel tired or buggered at all after it but I just kind of left it at that. There was alot of work to do any how. 

Had a chat with G. She really is such an inspiration. They were having curry last night too and I guess they indulged as well. I can’t help but look to other people with their eating and exercise now. It’s only because I’ve forgotten what that’s like. Just to be normal and to have a life where exercise wasn’t something I had to do but something I enjoyed doing. And food wasn’t something I had to think about putting into my mouth, it would just come naturally. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to be like that. But can you ever become something that you never were? 

Now I’m not sure what to do. After my big binge last night, I feel like I’m going to be compensating for it all day. We’ll see how I go. Come at me 13/05/12.  (a non-palindromic number I might add).